It’s morning again, another morning. I don’t know what to believe again, is there God or he’s just doing something else.
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-Olaniyi Joshua

It’s morning again, another morning. I don’t know what to believe again, is there God or he’s just doing something else. However, I’m a devote Christian and this thought shouldn’t be kept with me.

    

   I should be a pastor if I survive this sickness, a senior pastor and this sought of thought shouldn’t be caught in my heart. No matter how good I look and how well I read my bible, the lord wouldn’t care, what he wants is my heart and if my heart is busy thinking about if there is God or not, I’ve lost the key and the way.

    

    This Monday is a different Monday, I know I felt better yesterday but I remember yesterday night when I got the news of Margaret’s death, it hit me hard. I shouldn’t have felt so much pain but Margaret had barely survived death last year and that’s not even the case, the Lord used me as an instrument of his wonders and she was healed.

    

    Margaret is this fat woman who lives opposite my house in the estate I live in. She is so big that after her first child the doctor adviced her not to attempt to get pregnant. Her husband who is a regular church goer but also wanted to have more children even though Margaret gave birth to a male child, the African stereotype. Adam wasn’t interested, he wanted more and I feel so is the desire of man.

    

    No one knows but somehow I know about the children he had outside. He had two kids both females and they both died when they clocked 5 and he resorted to take care of his wife and one kid. Last year when he suddenly saw the light of God’s salvation he asked me to come and pray in his home and lead the family to salvation which I did with joy and love in my heart as the family once again felt United.

    

    Margaret had a lung problem, she had so much fat that she couldn’t breath well so she collapsed last year in the middle of the night and her husband Adam came rushing to my house and banged the door. My first born Jordan ran to open the door which is quite unthoughtful because of the thought about what if it were a burglar but alas, it’s Adam sweaty head, crying for physical help and prayer for his dying wife and weeping 7 year old boy. He couldn’t carry his wife to the hospital alone so he needed help.

    

    I jumped into my house coat and followed him to his flat. As i entered, I saw her lifeless and suddenly everywhere started smelling offensive. In their room I could hear an orchestra, they were probably playing a disk, a romantic one that made people sleep because I was really feeling dizzy but he tapped me again and I regained consciousness.

    

    I asked for water and salt, mixed both and read psalms into it, I could still hear the orchestra playing but now it was a different one, a mournful one playing farther than the room, like on the roof slowly and gently I could hear every string and every chord and it all made sense as I kept praying fiercely into the water. Without further Ado and before the water became useless I sprinkled some on her face and poured some into her mouth, and immediately the song stopped and she gasped for breath which was hard but after pushing her to the limit, she could manage to breath.

    

    We sat together in cold silence that night as she lay on their bed. Adam begged me not to leave till when the first light of the day breaks and she can get to the hospital. My wife had gone home to take care of my children because they were all afraid but as a man, I couldn’t complain. So much pain and anger, so much is expected from a man but what does a man get? He gets more pain and anguish as every one is glad to throw spiteful words at a man.

    

    I tried to remember the tune of what I heard when I entered their house but I couldn’t so I just thought I’ll ask Adam.

    

    “Please excuse me, what’s the name of the track that was playing when we came in, I really like it.” I complimented the music and fantasized about how it made me dizzy and almost sleeping.

    

    A Tiny spec of light reflected the sweaty head of poor Adam and I had regrets asking such question but before I could take it back he replied “what tape, there was nothing playing infact we don’t have power supply, we were using the inverter when you came in and now it’s dead that’s why we are in this darkness, Mr Paul.” He said with defiance and went back to looking at his wife breathing heavily as she lay still.

    

    “Uh, are you sure? I’m sure I heard something playing when I came in, a soft solemn hymn or sorts…” I had understood or I think I understood and immediately went mute and deep in thought but Adam cut me off

    

    “Are you okay sir? Nothing was playing as you know we don’t really play music here because of my wife’s health” He said and another lightning and I could see his face for a split second as wind gushed and tore through the empty sky and I started wishing I was a bird again, something i have always thought and hoped for.

    

    “No problem, I was just day dreaming. In 5 minutes you’ll be able to leave the estate for the hospital, I assume you don’t need my help in getting there.” I asked hoping he’ll allow me leave soon.

    

    “No sir please, I can’t even drive. Help us get there and then you can leave” He pleaded and I know I can’t leave them there, I have to help in every way possible, I’m a pastor and a man of course.

    

    “No problem then, get the car ready, the rain is about to start” I said as I stood up and walked to his kitchen to take a cup of water and when I was done, we helped Margaret into the car and dropped off Thomas, their son in my house and drove her to the hospital.

    

    I felt bad about Margarets death and it deterred my own health, if I were well would I have been able to heal her? What would I have done? Then I got my answer, I should do what I’ll have done for her for myself now that I’m sick and probably where I’ll die.

 

I started to fantasise about this wonderful life, the trees and streams, cold air, hot air and the warm one. My children would miss me if I die here and I also want to be a senior pastor to win more souls for Christ and be a old soldier in his kingdom but my health is saying otherwise.

 

The thought of heaven and hell slowly crept into my heart. Where would Margaret have gone, heaven or hell? I’m not God I wouldn’t know but her burial is today. I looked up at the wall clock and it’s past 11, she should have been buried according to plan by now and she’s probably facing her God and I’m either facing mine or will soon face mine.

 

I heard a footsteps coming to my ward, I could recognise Faith’s steps, my wife. She walked in a slow and intentional way making her look immortal, I’m more luckier than anyone I know with Faith. She’s modest outdoors but when it’s just both of us in the room, she’s naughty and is the ideal wife. 

 

I remember the first day I met her, in a blue gown and I could barely see any sexual hint from her, she was fully dressed with a free design that denied me any view of her body shape. My friends laughed at her saying she’ll be so lame but as it were, it was love at first sight and I loved her as she looked so I walked up to her and she answered modestly and this made me love her more.

 

It took several months to finally win her heart and we got married. She was untouched, though I had sex once in my youth but the feeling with her was eternal. Even till I die, I can’t think of seeing someone else because that day was the first day I saw her naked and she’s hotter than any model, her succulent breast, round and full pointed at my face like it was calling me, her clear skin and perfect body shape like a perfectly designed hour glass. She turned her back to me and indeed, she was a masterpiece and like a hungry sick man, I pounced on her and every night after then as always been my birthday.

 

She is the light that never goes off in me and leaving her in this cruel world hunted my heart. She walked in with our three kids with her as her face kept glowing and her lips as red as blood, she gave me a kiss on my head that restored my memory, on my eye that made me see her cleavage, on my lips and I could speak words I couldn’t.

 

“Jamie, Jordan, Jessey, won’t you greet papa” I said and they ran towards my bed hugging me tight as Jamie, my daughter and the last born started sobbing I couldn’t help as water dropped from my eye and I saw my wife also wiping her tears.

 

“Children, would you please let your dad rest? You can go and play in the main hall with your friends” Faith said and immediately they started dragging their feet leaving the room “Jordan, take care of your siblings. I’ll come pick you up when I’m done” she said to our first born as he locked the door behind them.

 

She walked closer to me and pressed her body against mine in a tight hug, I’m sure I wouldn’t have had the strength to hug her back a while ago but now I felt human again and hugged her too for about five minutes I could hear her crying but there is nothing I could do but also cry.

 

“I love you, please stay with us” she wept and tried to clean the tears “I saw Margaret lowered in the grave this morning and I couldn’t hold my tears, I can’t imagine…” She burst into tears again.

 

“Regardless, it’ll be fine at last.” I said.

 

“It won’t! It was heavy and the air was polluted. Dead bodies aren’t beautiful, they aren’t fine I can’t!” She looked into my eye and I could see love beyond mine.

 

“Don’t panic and don’t cry, all things work together for the good of they that love God” I tried to console her.

 

“So if anything happens to you, does that mean you don’t love God?” She asked and I thought of it but won’t invite strange thoughts.

 

“No, that’s not what it means. it means that if anything happens to me, it’s for the good of everyone and according to God’s plan” I tried again holding my tears.

 

“It can’t be good, please! Don’t leave us, consider your children, think about me in a black dress” She said as she touched the black gown she was putting on and I could see the diamond in her ring shimmer and I remembered our wedding vows and I couldn’t help but cry.

 

“Not today!” I said in tears.

 

“Not ever!” She replied.

 

Just then the nurse came in and asked her to excuse me that I needed to take my drugs and sleep which she agreed. She kissed me thrice and this gave me life once more as I looked at her roll her hips out of the room. I laughed at how sexual desires crowd my thinking anytime I’m with her and before i knew it, the nurse had injected me and it was painless.

 

30 minutes had passed and I hadn’t slept and suddenly I heard a sonorous nerve calming sound above me Somewhere. An orchestra, calm and fearless, Antique and modern, wise but dangerous sound. I looked around and saw nothing.

 

It was likened to the one I heard in Margarets house the other day but this one was intentional, intense and judgemental.

 

My eye lids became heavy and closing my eye is the last thing I remember.

 

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