It took me 12 years to find out why …

“Clara, why did you do this to me?” she asked eyes filled with tears.

“I did? I did what?” I asked, recalling if I’ve done anything bad.

“you pushed me! Why did you -” she started crying.

She was wearing the same pink blouse and the blue short.

That’s when I remembered . I pushed her. Near the Grandill lake. They were on a picnic. Mom, dad and Sofie. But I didn’t push her hard, did I?

“I didn’t hurt you Sofie. Don’t be a baby. I just pushed you – not very hard . Besides, you were ignoring me. All of you … Like I’m not here. I’m your sister Sofie! Why don’t you talk to me? You’ve never talked to me. Not until today. Even mom and dad love you the most, not me.” I went on breathlessly.

From the very day they brought Sofie home, as a tiny baby, no one seems to care about me. Now today, after all this time, Sofie is talking to me… accusing me!

I looked at mom. Sitting on the couch, fully dressed in white, crying and sobbing. She cried all the time. I’ve seen her cry and I’ve combed her hair with my fingers, I even sang for her. But she never took care of me. She kept on ignoring me.

“It’s you all the time. Grandma told me what you did. It’s not any of our fault, Clara. It’s you. And you’ve done it again. Look … look at her” said Sofie, getting angry, pointing at my mom. Our mom. “She loved us both. Specially you Clara. But you made her cry …again! “

I looked at mom. Is it true? Is it all my fault she’s crying? But they loved Sofie…not me. When they first brought her home, they – they –

I startled.I remember.After 12 years, now I can recall.When they brought her home, I didn’t like her. I told mom I don’t need her, but still they brought her home. I ran to the lake…the Grandill lake beside our house. I wanted to be alone. To see the water shimmer. To get away from Sofie. And I – I –

I drowned.

I died.

Is that what happened? And now, Sofie’s here, blaming me. My whole body started to shake.

“It’s the lake” I said Sofie, breaking the silence.

“No Clara, it’s you! It’s you who killed me. You!”

And after 12 years, I started crying again;

The same tears I’ve shed 12 years ago.

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