LIFE OF A DESPERATE MAN By Mfoniso Ene
Tola has been added to the list of girls who have broken my heart.My toyo baby.Pim Pim girl.Tomato baby.Chai ndu a bu ikenenke.(this life is unfair)
See,i am a man o,in my mid fifties.Shame is even choking me,i can’t mention my age.I’ve been in countless relationships but at the end of the day,the girl shoves a wedding card in my face with a message:”Jimmy love,your a good man but not good enough.”
Ahh,what are these men doing that I’m not doing.I had to ask a friend to tell me the trick.His solution was simple and made a lot of sense.
“Jimmy my man,your the one dulling your self.Haven’t you heard that nowadays,ladies are after the money?And you have got it man.
Na you the close your hand,na why you no co see woman.Ndu bu maka ego.(life is about the money)
That is how I married my wife Eunice.Guy reason am.
Ikpa has been my adviser since secondary school and there is no way I won’t take this advice.Will just keep calm and wait for the next prey.
A notification appeared on my screen,obviously a friend request.”Make man no send me request o,i the find woman to marry,”I muttered.
I quickly checked the request and the name threw me off balance.”Itz Emperez Nikki bbi baby”I tried pronouncing it.”kedu aha o bu ihe a?”(which kind of name is this?)
I gasped as I saw the profile picture.Fair skin,just the way I love it.Babe was balanced,ass was there,let me not talk about the twin towers self.Nwa nwanyi mara mma.(beautiful girl)
I speedily accepted the request and dropped a message in her inbox.
“Baby girl I love you.You look so beautiful.I will love to know you more.Please let’s meet at Golden hotel by 7pm.I will pay your transport.Thank you.”
I posted on her timeline”Thanks for acceptance” to show her I am serious.I don’t care what you think.Nne,I’m desperate!
Before 7pm,i was waiting at the hotel in my best suit,smelling all sexy.I had given my online crush the directions and room number.Few minutes later,i heard a knock,opened it and fed my eyes with the beauty beyond description.Her British accent gave me a hard on instantly.After a few minutes of getting to know ourselves on the surface,we proceeded to know ourselves body and soul.
The babe na-ato ya uto(the babe is sweet).Wanted to kill me with positions but my Chi said no.I found out her name is Blessing and so I blessed her account with 50k for a start.Promising more if we get closer.
Blessing and I dated for 3 months before I decided to propose.Had to shoot my shot and she said yes.Which girl won’t after seeing the money and cars.I called my friend Ikpa to celebrate my transmission into married life.
A week after,Blessing’s line didn’t go through anymore.I got blocked on FB and WhatsApp but before doing that,she dropped the usual message of not being good enough.
“Cheiii,Jimmy don turn much.Uncle Chibuzo from the village is behind these,i know for sure.This can’t be normal.”I weeped uncontrollably.
Something suddenly struck me.I got up,cleaned my eyes and grabbed my phone.If I can’t get a wife the normal way,then I will buy one!
Quickly called my mum and requested she finds a girl in the village for me.In this life,i will never kill my self.A desperate man will either buy himself a wife or end up with a desperate woman.
Ndu nwoke aguu olileanya